According to Nick Schwartz, this is the logical extension of this blog. I hope not (or do I?), but after World’s Greatest Dad, whatever Bobcat Goldthwait puts out there, I’m paying 12 bucks to see.
Is there an opposite to getting slapped around some when society crumbles? A hug? Free gas in a post-apocalyptic desert? Whatever it is, that’s what he’s is getting.
Our wedding video.
The author (left) and the great Jay Beaman.
Today is Jay Beaman’s 35th birthday, and if you don’t know who the hell I’m talking about, I can only feel sorry for you. To mark the date, I’ll break my near 6-month silent protest against her soft, pillowy bosom and list my four favorite Beamanisms. One is food related, one is a general bon vivant comment, one has to do with music, which sums up Jay pretty well. The last one is an added bonus, a short little email conversation we had a few months ago
One
This is some tasty business.
Two
Not a goddamn thing wrong with that.
Three
Cover songs are for people who don’t really like music.
Four
Me I gotta confess, I kinda like KT Tunstall. Does that make me a bad person?
Jay No. It just makes you gay.
Menu:
Seafood stew en croute.
Brace of American birds – duck and pheasants on a bed of vegetables: brussel sprouts, cabbage, carrots and spinach – and a wild cherry chutney. Corn muffins baked in a corn husk.
Apple cinnamon sponge cake and sweet cream glace.
Children’s Menu:
Hot dogs, cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese, french fries, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheese pizza, chocolate chip cookies, apple and orange juices.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Instead of smaller portions of the adult menu, or even slightly toned-down versions of the same food, with less complex flavors, the children were offered, as a commenter on the New York Times article said, “[…] unbalanced party food.”
Children will potentially eat anything - as long as they are taught (by example) from an early age.
The myth of brussel sprout hatred stems from parents too weak to stop their kids from being fat little dictators that make their own dietary choices based on the corn-syrup based junk food advertised on television.
I’ve spent two years as an Au Pair, with a family whose children were obsessed with cherry tomatoes and brussel sprouts, simply because their parents ate that and loved it. Leading by example.
Get these kids some celery, and don’t offer them as sacrificial lambs to unhealthy diets and mass consumption-oriented lifestyles!
Oh, and sorry about the semi-serious post marking a timid return. Gotta ease back into my usual shitty asshole self, right?
In most senses, women are much better equipped to deal with life in the contemporary world than men, especially in the business world. They are more verbally developed, more sensitive to subtle things, and less prone to cock-waving. They are better at organizing things, getting people to do what they want and delegating tasks.
There is only one simple reason for why they don’t rule the world: women hate other women. It’s a simple and true fact. A woman would fuck her best friend’s husband out of spite because once her friend said something mean about her toes being fat or whatever.
The only thing women hate more than other women is men. You know it’s true, ladies. And guys, no matter how much your girlfriend loves cock, she hates men. This creates an interesting “enemy of my enemy” kind of thing, where two women who hate each other will stick together against men. This is called Cuntitry.
You can see Cuntitry at work all the time. Let’s say some girl is a fan of Barack Obama. Now let’s say she’s talking to two guys defending John McCain, who are aggressively thrashing her about her political views. If a second girl about the same age and about as good looking as the first sees this happening, she could be the craziest, most racist, right-wing christian nutjob, that she would start talking about change and whatnot.
That’s how it works. Women stick together, provided they are about the same age and about as good looking, since attractive young women are known to create anti-cuntitry in fat old skanks.
If women ever control their mutual hatred, embrace Cuntitry at all times and actually take over this shit and rule everything, the world will be a much better place.
Brazil is a wonderful place. Our food is delicious, our music is delightful and the weather is extremely pleasant. Even our people are, for the most part, kind and gentle.
But our police. Oh sweet mother of god, our police is something else. A delicate balance of corruption, stupidity and brutality creates one of the most inefficient and incompetent police forces on the planet.
The most recent public debacle was just yesterday, when a week-long hostage situation resulted in death & disfigurement. Some crazy 22-year-old dude kidnapped his 15-year-old ex-girlfriend and her best friend and held them hostage in a shitty apartment somewhere in a poor São Paulo suburb.
After a week of insanity coordinated by Colonel Eduardo Félix, shoo-in for Fuckin’ Idiot 2008 Award (at some point the friend was released but wanted to return to help her friend, and the police let her – that’s how bad it was) the police decided to invade, and of course fucked it all up. The dude freaked out and splattered his girlfriend’s brains all over the place, and shot her friend in the face. All this after the family’s lawyer and the District Attorney had negotiated with the kidnapper, who agreed to give himself up.
I understand that policemen in Brazil are people too stupid and violent to do anything else, but can we get some training on these motherfuckers? I was watching the news, and the guy kinda stuck his head out the window at least five times, without any of the girls in front of him. Can’t we have some snipers blow his head off or something?
But the worst part is that in Belo Horizonte right now we’re about to vote for mayor, and the choice is between Márcio Lacerda, a piece of shit criminal who’s spending around 20 million dollars to basically buy votes and Leonardo Quintão, a fanatic christian nut, who is a spoiled upper-class piece of shit that pretends to be stupid and illiterate to pander to the masses.
I’ll take a relapsed catholic over a crazy-assed christian any day of the week, but now everybody’s too busy worrying about a random kidnapping to actually think about the next four years of our city.
PS: When I say people are worrying about the kidnapping, I don’t even mean using it as a segue for a discussion on the many problems with the crazy uniformed fucks that patrol our streets and fuck up everything they get their hands on – I mean idiots whining about how brutal mankind is and how the world is a violent place and other meaningless bullshit.
