Who’s afraid of the big bad Joseph Smith?
After Scientology, any kind of religious stupidity from any other system of faith just seems bland and unimaginative, but the Mormons still deserve some respect in the crazy-fuckers arena.
They run one of the largest genealogical research databases in the world, which is kinda whisky-tango-foxtrot until a few idiosyncrasies of the Mormon faith are understood.
First, it’s a crazy-assed religion invented in the late 19th century. Without a few centuries to blur historical accuracy, it’s kind of hard to convince people to buy into your brand of stupidity (or faith, call it whatever you want), so it was only in the mid-20th century that mormonism really caught on. Which means that, after the lie had been told, the contemporary mormon’s great-grandparents called bullshit on it and kept on doing what they had always done. Bad, bad great-grandparents! The message was there, and you ignored it!
Second, their susperstition allows for posthumous conversions.
Huh? Yeah, posthumous conversions. Which means that Mormons need a huge genealogical database in order to find all those nay-saying great-grandparents and have mass baptisms for dead relatives, legitimizing their families all the way down to them.
That might seem just a little bit odd, but it is actually terrifying. Imagine all logic and rationality suddenly disappearing from your life and try for a moment to believe in God and afterlife and all that ridiculous drivel.
Let’s suppose there is such a thing, and that, for argument’s sake, the Roman Catholic Church has got it all down, the snake, the apple, the sins, the commandments, the saints and priests and popes and inquisitions and all that crap. Then suppose you lived a decent, catholic life (whatever the fuck that is) and now you’re dead and in Heaven with the angels and harps and other pure souls and whatnot.
Suddenly, without warning, a hand of fire shoots across the sky, searing the air as it speeds, unwavering, towards you. Before you can even react, this hand seizes your ethereal being, incinerating your skin and causing pain the likes of which you have never known, then dragging you down to Hell for an eternity of suffering and burning and pain.
Why? Because some stupid fucking great-grandson you never knew, wearing ridiculous khakis and a short-sleeved shirt found you on the damn database and decided to fucking posthumously convert you to Mormonism.
Fucking Mormons.
